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| Im not a negative person, i am just going through a part of my life
where optimism is not a luxury i can afford. My weeks are very
repetative with school work, fraternity life, and friends. I do
feel blessed with what i have i just feel like what i do is of no real
importance. I am happy where i am both physically and
mentally. I have an amazing girlfriend who loves me very much and
who i can't live without, i go to a great school where i can succeed
and do well for myself, and i have great friends. I really have
nothing to complain about, i guess that i almost wish i could be proved
wrong and find out that there is somthing out there for me. That
i do have a direction that i am supposed to follow and that there is a
reason im here. I wish i could think like her and bodi. I
would give anything to feel as good about being alive as they do.
They might not always be happy where they are or with what they are
doing, but they always know that what they do is for a reason and they
are being led in the right direction. I have no idea if what im
doing is right for me. I still am confused as to how i got into
computer engineering. I enjoy it, i really do, but i don't know
how i got here. I guess in a way that proves that somthing up
there is helping me and directing me.
Im not properly motivated. That is the
conclusion i have come to. What i mean by that im not completely
sure. Im not motivated by god in ways that i can see or hear so i
ignore his influence. Im motivated to succeed but only by money
and material things, not for personal satisfaction. My life seems
very organized in some ways and in others its seems like complete
chaos. Life seems much more simple around her and back
home. I feel more at home with her in my arms and around my
boys. I would do much better to have Alex and Kris in my life
more. I am much happier with them than my friends here. It
just feels more natural, more comfortable, and more like
me. I don't think college has changed me, it has mostly
just opened my eyes. I see what i am lacking. How
incomplete a person i am. I wish i could feel like she
does. I know it makes her sad to hear all of this and more.
I wish I didn't have to feel this way. Shes a good influence on
me. She makes me think about these things that i would usually
just ignore. Time just moves too fast. I wish i could go
back to when life seemed so easy and so simple. She will help me,
i know it. One day i will understand, i can't wait.
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| It seems like everytime things start to feel good I say or do somthing
to screw that all up. I think i know her better than anyone but i
can't really believe that when i continually make her sad. I
don't think about my actions enough. Whenever I do somthing, she
thinks of many reasons why i should have realized not to do it.
She knows me much better than i know myself. All i want is for
her to be happy. I can't seem to do that. Once we get
through one thing and can relzx and be happy I go and screw that all
up. Ive noticed this cycle for a while now. It's not even
just this year. It was the same las year, she was the perfect
girlfriend, came to visit, never did anything wrong. I never had
anything to complain about. But me I was always making her sad
about somthing. I don't know what to do, how to change. I
fell like I'm almost too nieve to be a good boyfriend to her.
Half the time i don't know what ive done wrong until she explains
it. Then it makes perfect sense and I realize i was wrong.
She doesn't get mad at me about stupid shit. It's always things
that are important but i just never see until its too late. I
should see after dating her for two years and being her best friend for
3.
I know that relationships aren't supposed to be easy but she doesn't
deserve all of this. I am ashamed of myself for putting her
through all of this after all i have put her through already. I
am not doing my job.
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| I love her so much. She is the mostest amazing person in the
world and it makes me sad when she thinks otherwise. It sucks
that her friends don't always appreciate her bc she is perfect.
Shes beautifull inside and out, shes smart, and shes my love. I
hate to see her sad. I do everything i can to help. I hope
i do. I wish she and her friends could see what i see. If
that were so she would be queen of the world. Shes my
queen. I would do anything for her. I love her so
much. My queen. I hope to be a worthy king. Shes going to
be great reguardless of what her friends do or say to her in these 4
years. That is why i love her. She is my little
trooper. She will succeed. I know she will. With that
big sexy brain of hers. I love to just hear her voice. I
feel honored to be graced by her presence. Can't wait to see her
and make her smile that big chesire smile again. Hear her laugh
in person. I can't wait to just see her in general. 11
days. MUAHHHHHHHH. :)
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| That was just what i needed.
This weekend was helpfull, enlightening, refreshing, and most of all a
good reminder. This reminded me why i fell i love with her and
why she is so perfect. I had lost sight of that and it troubled
me. I felt out of place and not right in my own skin.
School was fun but not what i needed. This was just what i
needed. I needed to see her smile, hold her hand, taste her lips
and be one with her again. We had an awsome weekend and we were
proud of it. We cuddled, walked in the rain, talked, and just
enjoyed each others company. It was so great to see her. It
was hard comming back to see corey and gretchen together, but the
memories of this weekend and the anticipation of october were enough to
make me just smile. I love her so much and can't wait to see her
again.
Best news of all. 3 weeks, wait just kidding. 2 weeks. :) :) :)
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| 2 Years since that fatefull monday. It seems like so much
longer. I have grown in leaps and bounds since then but i can
still remember every thought and emotion that went through my body that
entire day. That was the day that i gave more of myself to her
than i ever had to anyone else. It may not have been the official
day but none the less it was a major day for our relationship. I
don't think that i would have been happier doing that with anyone
else. I was so comfortable. Not nervous or anxious like i
thought i would be. I was relaxed because i knew she cared for me
so much she would never make me feel out of place or unwelcome. I
smiled like a cheshire cat the rest of the day, not because of what had
happened physically that day, but what happend to us that day. I
knew from that point on we were going to be somthing special.
Before that i was very interested in her but i was unsure of how things
might progress. I almost felt like a girl in my situation.
I knew we were going to be great and do great things together.
I love her and get to see her in two days (thank god). Im going
to try to make her happy again. I hope to be that familiar
face. And i want to bring that laughter back to life. All i
want is to see her smile, a big happy chesire smile, like the one i
made on one fatefull monday.
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